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It Takes A Village To Raise These Kids

it takes a village

It takes a village to raise these kids – one of my favorite sayings.

Today, I expanded my “village,” beyond those treasured and kindred souls — in my kids’ schools, in my neighborhood — and beyond my trusted friends and family. I had a live Twitter chat, as we chatted live (simultaneously – totally fun by the way), about all that was on our hearts and minds related to . . . . raising these kids.

We “chatted” about when to have “the talk” with our kids, we talked about their first crushes (really, a cartoon character?), supporting our daughters at the onset of their first period, our tweens’ growing need for privacy (and our need to “keep them close”) and how we keep cooking and they’re still hungry. We talked about open door policies and the need to keep talking, listening, and . . . looking . . . for they’re growing up so fast.

Wanna expand your village? We’re chatting again tonight. 8:30 pm EDT. Twitter. Just log in and enter #parentingtweens in the search box. Don’t have a Twitter account? It’s quick and easy to sign up. Once you’re on https://twitter.com you can make it even easier to chat live by going on http://www.twubs.com. Fill in #parentingtweens, and you’re all set.

Come with what’s on your heart and on your mind, or just look and listen along. You never know what’s happening in the village with these kids.

How and When to Start “THE TALK” Live Twitter Chat!

cartoon poster dad & son

Calling All Parents of PreTeen Boys and Girls!

Don’t Miss This!

Join me for a live Twitter Chat on Thursday, March 21, as we discuss “How and When to Start THE TALK” with your child. This is the first in a series of Twitter chats surrounding important topics related to preteens (and their parents!). There will be two sessions: noon to 1:00 pm or 8:30-9:30 pm EDT.

It’s easy to take part in the Twitter chat:
• Open a Twitter account (if you don’t already have one).
• Use Twitter, Twub.com or Tweetchat.com to log on a few minutes before the chat. Enter #parentingtweens in the search box to participate in the conversation.
• Submit questions by starting them with @factsoflifebooks, or ask your question in the status update box in Twitter. Remember to use #parentingtweens.

Participants can also submit questions prior to the event by tweeting @factsoflifebooks using the hashtag #parentingtweens.

What’s that again? Here’s the simple scoop:

WHO Author Terri Shearer Trenchard
WHAT LIVE Twitter chat discussing “How and When to Start ‘The Talk,'” and other preteen topics
WHEN Thursday, March 21, 2013; 12:00 – 1:00 pm or 8:30 – 9:30 pm EDT
WHERE Online via Twitter by following @factsoflifebooks and using the hashtag #parentingtweens

Chat with you then!

Pre-Teen Boys . . . Comparing Themselves to Others

Comparing boys

Don’t we want our kids to be happy with themselves just the way they are? Aren’t we just a little disheartened when we see them comparing themselves to others . . . and worse yet, feeling that they don’t measure up?

We all compare ourselves to others. Sometimes we adults are the biggest culprits. It’s simply human nature. Yet as we watch our teens do it, we want to steer them the other way. As Franklin Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

As our kids develop and step on the fast track of puberty, they are always looking around: Who’s taller? Who’s faster? Who’s developing first — and why is it me? Or not me?

Have you ever thought of the Paradox of Pre-Teens?

It is this.

They all want to be uniquely

THE SAME.

As much as our pre-teens strive for unique independence, they want to seamlessly fit in. It’s the nature of the beast.

Boys at this age are often pre-occupied with when and how they will experience the changes associated with puberty and adolescence — from when they will grow taller to when their voices will change and when they will grow facial hair. They may be concerned that they are not developing or growing fast enough.

In the midst of all this, here are a few things parents (and caregivers) can do to support them on the way:

 Remind your son that everybody develops at different times and at different rates (just like he and his friends learned to walk, talk, and throw a ball at different times and at different rates)

 Share with him some of your experiences related to the onset of puberty (specifically sharing some of Dad’s growth patterns and experiences may be helpful predictors to what your son may experience — and when)

 Praise your son for his unique talents and abilities

And, if you want to give your son a good, clear idea of what will happen (and when it just might happen), check out my book . . . and main character Bork, who leads boys through an engaging journey of all things puberty and adolescence.

So Your Son Wants to Shave

Shaving

So your son wants to shave.

Maybe you’re not sure if he’s ready – or better yet – if you’re ready.

Shaving is one of those big milestones – a rite of passage. Some boys may be eager to start shaving while others may need some prodding when it clearly appears to be time.

Boys do not need to start shaving as soon as their facial hair appears. It all depends on how he —and you—feel about him shaving. Boys may notice more facial hair as early as 9 or as late as 15, but most boys will not have enough facial hair to shave on a regular basis until they are well into their teens.

If your son is interested in shaving, it’s really (just another) consideration for you and him. Consider his thoughts, feelings and desires about it. To many boys, it is a “manly” thing to do, and some may be eager to do it. If your son is interested, but you’re not sure if he “needs” to, talk to him about his desires and why it is important to him. Who knows what you’ll find out. For example, if your son is more fair with lighter hair, a little peach fuzz above the upper lip may not bother him. Yet, a boy with darker hair may feel more comfortable removing the hair (albeit maybe just a few stray hairs on his chin).

Despite what you may have heard (and believed over the years), shaving does not make the hair grow back thicker and faster. That’s actually a myth. (I confirmed it through several sources, including mayoclinic.com, in which Lawrence Gibson, M.D., reported that “shaving does not change the thickness, color or rate of growth.”). As boys mature, their hair will come in faster and thicker, ultimately requiring them to shave more frequently; but this is a function of growth and maturity rather than the introduction of shaving.

If he is asking to shave, talk to him about a few considerations:
==> Find out more about the thoughts and feelings surrounding his desire to shave
==> Clarify for him that although shaving won’t make his hair grow in thicker or faster, his hair may seem more coarse after it grows in, making the blunt ends of the hair feel a bit stubbly
==> Explain to him that there will be plenty of time for daily shaving once he is an older teen, but he won’t have to start shaving every day when he first starts shaving
==> Let him know that ingrown hairs can occur, when a hair starts growing into the tissue instead of up and out of the skin

Then, together between your comfort level and his understanding, you can make a decision as to whether this is the time to allow him to begin.

On the other hand, if your son has no interest in shaving and you feel that it just might be time, don’t be afraid to venture into the subject. Keep the conversation light-hearted and explore his feelings about it. Consider asking him if any of his friends are shaving — this can be an easy way to start the conversation. Let him know the benefits of shaving, from an appearance perspective, and offer support to help him consider it and get him started.

And lastly (before I leave you for the day) . . . check out my book, Bork Reveals the Real Deal About the Facts of Life. (There’s a great section on shaving.)

So, Your Son Has a Crush

first crush

So, your son has a crush — maybe even a “girlfriend.” Somehow we parents never think our children are old enough — for whatever it is they are embarking upon, albeit even the most natural and age-appropriate thing. Like a crush. Child development experts say these crushes can typically evolve in 5th or 6th grade. Yep.

By the way, do you remember your first crush? I remember mine like it was yesterday. Can still feel the flutter of the butterflies in my stomach. I was in the 6th grade.

Funny. Here I am, remembering my first crush. In the 6th grade. Right there in Mr. Miller’s homeroom class. I can see the guy’s (dirty blond, wavy) hair right in front of me now. But . . . here . . . today . . . oh so many years later . . . My son can’t possibly be old enough, mature enough, developed enough, to feel those fluttery butterflies in his little tummy too, can he? There I was in 6th grade, and now here he is in 7th.

Well, maybe he can.

Did you see the “Good Luck Charlie” Disney Channel episode where cool, hip mom Amy overhears 7th grade son Gabe saying that he likes Heather but is too scared to talk to her? What does cool, hip mom Amy do? She invites Heather over. Yep, she invites Heather over — right to their house, right there in the living room . . . just to make it easier for her little baby Gabe.

What cool, hip mom (okay, overly intrusive) Amy doesn’t know is that there are six Heathers in Gabe’s class. She just happened to pick the first (and only) Heather that she found. That’s where the real fun begins, as Gabe enters the living room, grabs his adoring mom by the hand, and asks, “WHY did you invite “Annoying Heather” over to our house?

Awww, mom. We can all relate, can’t we? Just a little bit? She was just trying to help.

Here’s our first reminder as we embark (or maybe I should say, stumble) upon our child’s first crush:

1. Don’t Meddle.
And,
2. Be Interested, But Not Too Interested.

Give him his space. Show a little interest, and watch his cues. Listen to his verbals, and by all means, watch his non-verbals. He’ll open up when he’s ready. He may even ask for advice . . . like . . . what kinds of things do girls like for their birthdays?

Stay cool. Stay calm. Stay collected. And, what the heck, relive those butterflies (way back when) of yours. And remember that your little guy (or girl) just might be old enough to have his or her first crush. You might want to . . . . casually . . . . now . . . . tell him (or her) about yours. And stay tuned . . . keep those (semi-interested) communication lines open. He just might need some advice – real soon – about the kinds of stuff girls like.

And, check out what these kids have to say about crushes.

And if you’re interested in more things that our kids are naturally embarking on (even though we may not quite be ready) . . . check out my book, Bork, who reveals the Real Deal about the Facts of Life — and other good things all boys should know.

“But All My Friends Have Cell Phones!”

Baby with phone

Is your kid clamoring for a cell phone? We’ve heard the pleading arguments from our kids before. And we’ll hear them again. Whether it was the pleading argument to convince you to allow your child to drink soda, watch that show, view that movie, or stay up “as late as everybody else,” you’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again. It’s their job, these kids . . . to test their boundaries . . . to get what they want — especially if other kids, and in particular, their friends have what they are pleading for. The cell phone is no different. It comes (or not) in its own time, according to what is suitable for us parents, our own kid(s) and our specific family.

What age is the right age to have a cell phone? Rather than consider the age, per se, be SMART about it. If you are considering a cell or smartphone for your son or daughter, apply the SMART formula:

Safety
Is your child in locations or situations in which he or she is away from you? Would you feel enhanced security if you were able to quickly reach your son or daughter if he or she had a cell phone? Is he or she travelling on a sports or activity bus, or riding in a carpool, whose arrival and departure time may vary from time to time?

Maturity
Does your son or daughter exhibit the maturity to possess a cell phone? Does he or she view it as a primary mode for communication – with YOU – and others . . . or as a plaything or status symbol with his or her friends?

Affordability
Is it affordable for your family – and for your child? Consider having your son or daughter contribute to the cost of the cell phone. Whether it be from an allowance, holiday or birthday gift money, or doing extra chores or work around the house, it’s a good idea to consider whether or not your child is willing to contribute to the cost, whether he or she can “afford” the cell phone – and whether or not it’s “worth the cost” to him or her.

Responsibility
Does your child take care of his or her things? Does he or she lose or break them? Does he or she understand the safety responsibilities, as well as the physical responsibilities, of having a cell phone?

Trust
Have you and your child established the necessary trust surrounding the use of a cell phone? Will your child quickly respond to you when you call or text? Does he or she fully understand the necessary precautions that he or she – and you – may need to take to ensure his or her safety when using a cell phone? Does your child understand that you may have the need to oversee or monitor his or her use of the cell phone?

These are all important factors and considerations when determining the right “age” for a cell phone.

I will say that I was hesitant (wanting to drag my feet a little) with the whole cell phone thing. Although it comes with a new set of considerations (shall we dare even say (YES!) concerns), it has provided my son, our family, and me with multiple benefits, from convenience (knowing the away game bus is ½ hour behind schedule) to communication (texting with offspring is way cooler than talking on the phone) and even a sense of calm (like when I’m at this end of the food court and he’s on the other, yet just a quick text away).

So . . . if you take on the SMART formula and determine that your child, you, and your family is “ready,” for the cell phone, go for it. Who knows, he might even start texting Grandma.

And, lastly . . . if and when you determine that your child has “come of age” for a cell phone, consider engaging your child in a cell phone contract, similar to the attached one created by a fellow mom. http://www.janellburleyhofmann.com/gregorys-iphone-contract/